I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
