Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
