Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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