i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
