so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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