I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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