So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
