OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
