Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
