I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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