he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
