My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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