He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just want nice things and good sex
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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