What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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