Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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