do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
