wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
