Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
