Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
false alarm. still invincible.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
