her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
