i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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