The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
