you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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