She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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