Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
