I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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