i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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