i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
