I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She told me I should be a condom model.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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