I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
