I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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