I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
