Little spoons don't ask big questions
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
