You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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