Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
