Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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