i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
