Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
