I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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