just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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