small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
