Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
