everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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