At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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