this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
