I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
