Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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