You don't have asthma, your pregnant
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
