oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
