I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
