We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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