A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
